Valentines Day Funny Quotes and Sayings

Think Saint Valentine's Day is only for the attached? Want to send sweet sayings but not clichés? Whether you're pro- or anti-Valentine's Day, you'll love these funny Valentine sayings, quotes, and captions!

February 14th doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. While for some, Valentine's is a special day and a day of love, it is a dreaded day for many others. It doesn't have to be that way!

"You Don't Have to Get Me Anything for Valentine's Day"

Is it me, or is Valentine's Day a tough one? Every year, my wife tells me that she doesn't care about Valentine's Day and that I shouldn't get her anything. She is strong and resilient, so she probably means it.

Don't fall for that!

Get something to say, "Happy Valentine's Day" to your loved one. It doesn't have to be anything expensive. You can find a more petite bouquet of flowers at your local grocery store and not spend a fortune at a florist.

A thoughtful card is perfect. Notice that I said, "thoughtful!" Instead of grabbing something from the greeting card aisle, put some thought and effort into selecting a relevant and meaningful card. Better yet, make your own Valentine's Day card!

Experiences are Better Than Things

I always say that experiences are better than things. Most of the typical Valentine's Day gifts are pretty forgettable. On the other hand, a shared experience is something you'll remember for the rest of your life.

Valentine's Day (or weekend) dates are always a great idea, especially if you thought ahead and made reservations. It's amazing how special the simple act of making reservations makes someone feel.

Your loved one will remember a date more than a box of cheap or chocolate or a box of flowers. They'll also love a trip! You don't have to be traveling on Valentine's Day. Just include a note telling them about the romantic weekend getaway you've booked for them with your Valentine's Day card.

Even if it's not luxurious or extravagant, taking a trip together is probably the best thing you can do.

Check out how you can be your loved one's Valentine's Day Superhero and get them the best Valentine's gift!

Think Outside the Box (of Chocolates)!

Look. I love chocolate just as much, and probably more than the next guy, girl, or Willie Wonka. Okay, I love chocolate more than anyone. Most of those heart-shaped boxes are crap, though, overpriced crap.

That shotty chocolate contributes to Valentine's Day's lousy reputation and gives chocolate a bad name. They're not that enjoyable, and they are extra bad for you than most treats.

If you or your loved one insists on chocolate, get them the good stuff, not the stuff in the red and pink boxes.

Also, feel free to use these on social media to give your friends a good laugh!

Funny Valentine Sayings

You don't even have to make a Valentine's card. If you have a gift or are ordering a bouquet of flowers, you can write one or two of these funny Valentine sayings on the gift tag.

A Few Funny Pro-Valentine's Day Sayings

"One Valentine's Day, a magnet said to another magnet, 'you are very attractive.'"

"The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love."

"Are you a beaver? 'Cos, DAM!"

"I love you as much as Kanye loves Kanye!"

"May your mid-November birthday be a constant reminder of your parents' Valentine's Day celebration."

"Are you a dementor? 'Cos you take my breath away?"

"If you were a Transformer, you'd be Optimus Fine."

"You treat me like a unicorn even though I'm an ass."

"Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sunflowers are yellow, I bet you were expecting something romantic, but these are just gardening facts."

"I love you because you are almost exactly like me, and I am the best!"

"You're so lucky to have me."

"I love you just the way I am!"

"Here's to stocking up on half-priced candy on February 15th!"

A Few Funny Anti-Valentine's Day Sayings

"You're the best person to spend this annual obligation with."

"One Day, my prince charming WILL come. He just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions."

"Celebrating Valentine's Day with my favorite people: wine and chocolate."

"Love is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it. Thanks for being the pee in my pants."

"There's no one else I'd rather lie in bed and look at my phone next to."

"We didn't kill each other during the lockdown. It must be love!"

"Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably something else."

"Shout out to all of the people buying last-minute gifts on Valentine's Day."

"I already killed some helpless flowers for you… what else do you want?"

"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon."

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
Also, the roses are wilting. The violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head."

"May your beer be as cold as your ex's heart!"

Funny Valentine Sayings to Go With Props

A clever way to plus up your Valentine's day card is with props! Personally, I'm particularly fond of edible props, particularly the chocolate and/or bacon variety. It's easy to pair props with funny Valentine sayings.

A small toy is an excellent prop. The toy doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant. It only has to be funny or memorable. If that special someone is into Disney, a small Disney toy will do. Any toy that associates with the puns or cute sayings that you think they'll enjoy will be perfect.

Almond Joy

"You bring Joy to my life, so I'm giving you some back."

"A sweet for my sweet!"

Animal Crackers

"You bring out the animal in me!"

"I'm wild about you!"

"You drive me wild!"

"You are a BEAST!"

Bouncy Ball

"You make my heart bounce."

"Let's have a ball!"

Car

"You drive me crazy!"

"I wheely want you to be my Valentine!"

"You make my heart race!"

Corn Nuts

"I heard you like corny Valentines."

"I'm nuts for you!"

Cookie Cutter

"They broke the mold after you!"

"You're a cut above the rest!"

Crazy Straw

"You are ex-straw special."

"I'm crazy about you."

"I'm tangled up with you!"

Fruit

You could also substitute apple juice, apple pie, or Apple Jacks with these. I know, apple pie doesn't seem very apple Valentine's Day-ish. We're thinking outside the heart here.

"You're the apple of my eye!"

"You tempt me. I tempt you." [Insert devilish grin emoji.]

"I'm bananas over you!"

"Orange you glad we met!"

"I'm berry in love with you!"

"I'm never melon-choly since I met you!"

"I love you from my head to-ma-toes." [Tomato is a fruit!]

Lights

For lights, you can get fairy lights, glow sticks, or even a flashlight. Fairy lights are a great way to add a comfortable ambiance to a room and are great for decorations.

"You light up my life!"

"Turn on your heart light!"
– Neil Diamond

"You make my heart glow."

Lip Gloss

"Read my lips: I'm yours."

Lottery Card

"You're a winner!""A whole lotto love!"

"You're my grand prize!"

"I won the lottery having you! Now here's your chance."

"You're a lotto fun!"

Pizza

"I hope this Valentine isn't too cheesy.""Every pizza me loves every pizza you!"

"I hope I don't sound like a weir-dough, but I love you more than pizza!"

"Take a pizza my heart!"

"Roses are red; violets are blue, pizza is great, and so are you."

Superman Emblem or Toy

"Have a super Valentine's Day!""You're my hero!""You're my kryptonite."

"You make my heart fly!"

"You are my Superman/Superwoman!"

Funny Valentine Greetings Between Singles

I fully believe that any single person can enjoy this time of year just as much as any attached person, maybe even more. Your single friend will also enjoy a heartfelt valentine's day message.

"I'm going to spend Valentine's Day with my true love. Food."

"Netflix is my one true love."

"You're the one I text when I'm drunk. That's love."

"In love with my best friend. Please don't tell them!"

"Single? No, I am in a relationship with Freedom."

"Love the wine you're with."

"I'm going to spend Valentine's Day with my X…..Box 360."

"Be anti-social with me."

"Whoever said Valentine's Day is only for lovers? I love you, my best friend! Happy Valentine's Day."

"To my favorite pain the ass…"

"Here's to celebrating Valentine's Day like Han. Solo!"

"Happy Drink-Wine-and-Eat-Chocolate-Alone Day!"

"Because we both hate all that Valentine's Day crap, let's have some bacon!"

Happy Singles' Awareness Day!"

Funny Valentine's Day Quotes

Funny quotes are an excellent choice for greeting cards! Feel free to borrow a few of these funny quotes for your homemade Valentine's day card. Since most of these have a sarcastic flavor, they'll be great for those who don't fully embrace this romantic holiday.

Funny Anti-Valentines Quotes!

Today is Valentine's Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
– Jay Leno

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
– Rita Rudner

"One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry."
– Oscar Wilde

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"
– Lily Tomlin

"The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead."
– Ann Landers

"Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia."
– Judith Viorst

"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad."
– Helen Rowland

"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience."
– Samuel Johnson

"I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV."
– Tracy Smith

Relationships are Difficult!

"Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need ten years before you can call yourself a beginner."
– Jerry Seinfeld

"It's funny how we set qualifications to the right person to love when we know at the back of our heads the person whom we truly love will always be an exception."
– Ally McBeal

"Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop."
– H. L. Mencken

"To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia."
– H. L. Mencken

"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea."
– King Jaffe Joffer, Coming to America

"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there."
– George Burns

"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
– Carroll Bryant

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

"An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
– Agatha Christie

More Funny Valentines Quotes

"I just want to be friends. Plus, a little extra. Also, I love you."
– Dwight Schrute, The Office

"Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom."
– Jerry Seinfeld

"My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light."
– Dwight Schrute, The Office

"I got Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself."
– Robert Orben

True love comes quietly without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."
– Erich Segal

"Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife."
– Groucho Marx

"I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth."
– Chico Marx

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love."
– Sophocles